I hate question marks.
i mean is it possible i am right!
- hood to coast 9 min - polo invasion 5min - chunk 2002 6min - hunter meet gathereer 4 min - bike riot 4min - driving test ? - bike audio project 8 min - bichosis 5 min - portlasticult 4min - dear pedestrian, 3min - Crime Fighters League 8min - TMB BGF 5min - WSI 03 8min - move this srap 6min
pdx bike love II
- its not court ordered (zoobomb cares) - tabor bomb - farenheit 666 (chunk 911) - Fate of the YJLB - Joan of Portland - big bike Little Bike - bogart PSA - synovial extraction - lock mock (when complete) - LA video (assuming) - revphil at home surgery (wen done) - cmwc worlds video - Urban Indegestian (not bikey but wtf)
i am leaving may 31st, biking to SF, then training to LA, then Flying to NY, then returning to PDX in August. I think.
while gone i wanna make some changes around here.
I am hosting a bike rally in LA. so i am gonna use my little guy here to help me remember what ive done
Day One june 2nd, tillmook co lib.
Must tell story about the Forest Grove Shop homophobe who is violently insane.
Camped in the Tillamook forest last night. Nice little rock wall over looking a rushing creek with heavy moss draping all the trees like a shall on a tipsy woman. 5 of us left PDX on the 1st around 10 am. we had planned to catch the 730 max at the Rose Garden, but the traffic made loading bikes not work, and I was having mac music issues. So far it has been woth it though, music is really nice to have as your biking along the hwy.
At the top of the Coastal range down Hwy 6 I dawn my helmet camera. A good downhill video should be fun and exciting, and I need practice shooting good video with this thing. Everything was fine for me up until my sleeping bag jumped ship on a bump. I yelled up to Robin, "i lost a bag" seconds later a child yells out at me, "you lost your bag." Ahh comedic timing.
I was hoping the others I passed would be coming along soon, but it was just Adam, who told us that Korina had a bad crash. Max was with We wait and wait, and Adam goes back up to see them, i go down to tell robin. We wait and wait. the crew is together. no amblunce, though we hear it was quite an impressive crash. the trailer lost stability and started to wobble, she dosen't know exactly what next but the trailer whipped around and she endowd over. "It was cartoonish-crazy." Max said.
We chill for a couple hours on the rocks. some sun some rain, im ancy.
we wait (i think im gonna be in touble. as it is another crew of bikers is a day ahead, and at this pace well never make it to camp lookout tonight. I remain calm, but its still in my head. 'revphil is going to represent the NW at Bikesumer in LA'
We leave and take the rest of the downhill easy, stopping every 5 miles. then we start hammering it out towards tillamook. we camp just 12 miles outside. Adam and I explore a deer trail up the hill. find some droppings and some mushrooms. neither of us know enough to start eating random fungi.
Then its late. Laying down after a taxing ride I hear voices. 2 girls chatting. Then it stops. What was that? What will it be? Maybe a couple of Lesbikans out for a rainy Oregon Coast Stroll? Surly that's better than a double date. 4 horny locals come upon a squad of 5 diry bikers who have set up a mini camp dignity, (an REI shantytown) at their make out place.
- Frat Jock: What the Fuck is this? There's no camping in this park! - Me: (sighing, feeling for my pants in my bag) - FJ: you guys had beeter clear out of here or I'll call the ranger!
- FJ: well?!? - Me: (coming out of my tent) Relax now, we got a situation here. After hauling our or gear from portland our friend was injured in a wicked crash. We wanted to get to the coast, we came here. Wea are making the best of it. There are other places you acn go for romance. - FJ: Oh yeah, Where? - Me: well i saw a few clearings back along the road overlooking a bridge. - FJ: Along the Hwy?!? thats not romantic! - ME: are you suggesting we who spent the day biking and doging traffic, should then give up this location to you who drove here so YOU can get away from cars?
My momentary dream is over. Nothing happened. Maybe I imagined it. Tension creeps and relaxes. 5 min later the noises start again, definely more than 2, loud and annoying. They build and start sounding like animals being tourtured. Then they stop, as if frightened.
"Um, does anyone know what that was?"
"maybe birds." That seems reasonable. we sleep.
I get up early pack my shit, eat, wait. and then decide i can wait no longer. I am on the move. They will catch up soon anyway. Will we make it to SF together? Will I go to big Sur with the crew? Will be come upon the other team?
who knows? but timimook has a nice internet cafe at the librabry.
The Bay City Slug which is a sweet weekly paper/zine. "The Paper that hates progress" and "tough, Absorband, Disposable" as well as several cut and pasted images
A coffee shop called the 303 let me take thier copy, which is cool since the guy handing me the paper is on the cover maing a BBQ. Hot.
articles about organic food and corporations and transportation issues. dude!
Robin and I hit up the Tillamook Chees Factory, its awesome. Totally like disney land. Maybe someday I will come back under influences of everying. I sample some cheese than slip a couple pounds of jerky like meat bits behind my back under the jacket. Robin made out like a bandit. Garlic spray is awesome! Lots of other spices too. On to Freddys where the bargins are best! Food Stamps are good, Free Stamps are better! Robin gets some jojos and we eat all of them before checking out, somehow the wrapper disapears and I sample some expensive food form the bins. I really like shopping with robin. Eventually we make it back to the Library and roll out. but not before taking a peek at the beer distributor. Folks waking around so no chance and geting in thier dumpster, but next time...
Day 2-part 2 Hobbit Hole @ Bob Schwabber Wayside park. Really lovely, away from Pacific City, practially abandoned. Only an old man and a black car visited us while we were there. The place has all these trees with brittle old brances below so its like a forest of crawl space. perfect for camping. A bed of needles never felt so good.
Thanks go out to the Tillamook Co. Officer who asked for our IDs. Apparently folks on the hills above spy down on the campsite, and thought that the punks in the black car (what? us? black car???) were tearing up the bathroom, so they called the popo. they cop was really congenial. Kinda embarrassed to be hasseling us. He wished us well on our trip and turned to leave.
Cop: "Oh, you aren't camping here are you?" Robin: "Oh! no sir, were just eating dinner here." Cop: [quietly] It's fine, just as long as I don't know about it.
Upon reflection I decided that Waysides are in fact, just free biker only camping. We will definetly look out for more.
Day 3 Early rolling, Hight hill climbs, Mt bombing down is such fun. There was a sweet hairpin turn that we got to watch each other go down because it was so steep you were practicaly right above the bikers 200 ft ahead.
Continuing in our excess of anticapalism we hit up the Grocery Outlet (bought some wine - stole cheese), Goodwill (bought 90s girl B.U.M. Equipment socks for biking - stole sunglasses), and Bi-mart in Lincoln City (bought a $1 of fireworks, stole $5 and earbud headphones to replace the ones I broke earlier.)
I cant believe I broke my headphones. Totally forgot about them while concentrating on the flow of the ride and our pace line. Next thing I look down and I see freyed wires. Crap.
We meet some nice salt haired old couple. From east. They live in Boston, but he is from Germany. They are rocking a doucmentary thing and got some video of Robin's oggy Trailer. THey say they will put it up on the website. We met them again while stopping and drinking wine at the Devil's Punchbowl (which is really disapointing at low tide). A nice winery, they dont have their own grapes but they bottle and everthing else there. no sales outside that shop even. humm, interesting. i wonder if folks were more likely to buy because they new they couldnt get it anywhere else. We buy a tasting of the 9 kinds of wine for $2. sweet. really sweet, actually. The blackberry desert wine was so nice...
Some kid with a skateboard started talking to me at some point. Typical. I just get into my drinking and the kids come along to play. Fairly smart kid, he knows his classic rock.
Skater Boy "What's your favorite music?"
Rev "i used to say, 'everything but country', but eventually I realized that ever gerere has good and bad music."
SB "I listen to everthing but country"
rev "there you go"
He taught me a little about skating and gave him a PDX BikeLove DVD (ouch, should i be selling those?). He wasn't impressed with my zoobomb description, so I thought I would peel his eyeballs back with video instead. I guess bombing down a hill sounds pretty tame when you skate on the coast.
And what a bomb he has got! down from Cape Foulweather is steep! It used to be a super tight 2 way road, but they have since removed one lane of traffic and put in a bike lane. Nice!
We did't make it much further, deciding not to try and push though Newport until the morning since we could hit the last bike shop until Florence. We rode into camp Beverly. The hikerbiker section was seperate and had some hiking in the back. i found some mushrooms that were coming out like shelves from this dying tree. They wouldn't budge. I guess that make them inedible if they are stronger than you.
Lots of wood and good food. Pasta, and more! Max and crew are good cooks.
I finally get around to showering and it take me forever. Ahh long hot shower. I wash my leggins out in the sink and dry them with the hand dryer. just put the waisband around the entire unit and let it blow hot air down. Also got a charge on my electornics. ugh, am i camping at all?
We hit the Newport bike shop. crazy. so much better than the Tillamook. It had nearly everything in 1/10th the space. Plus a drill press and a welder and machiene shop out back. Its part of a Motel, strange. but it works. the worker is nice and lets me film.
We take Hwy 101 right though the city. The bike route tries to get you off the road every chance it can, but if you are rolling several bikers deep with 2 lanes than you are safe in your own lane.
Alas the stupid pedestrian bridge nearly kills us all: nails, pieces of 2x4 and other construction hazards (why are they fixing a concreete and steel bridge with wood?!?) A strong bridge and narrow lane gives you only an inch or so before you are either droping into fast moving car traffic or droping over the 3 foot barrier and down a hundred feet to the river below. A poor looking biker walking his bike coming toward us (hey that's an idea!) has to jump down onto the road to avoid us. Man we suck.
Then we are fine again for miles. Good sun and road contitions. Then at some point I feel my rear wheel sliding around some. ugh, this is not good. sure enough i have a leak. We are trying to make it south of Florence today and still have 25 miles to go. Going over seep cliffs along the road keeping controll with wight pushing you downhill and a flat tire loosing tread, this was also kinda dangerous.
"Flat ties never say die" - steep hills, what traction
We push for the next camp sight as dusk approaches. Everytime we say we will take the next site, everytime we decide it sucks and contine on. My tire gets increasingly worse over time. It needs filling every hour, every 40 min, every 20 min... Now I am just sprinting for as long as the tube will hold air. I stop at the enternace to a campround. This one is several more miles off the hwy.
"fuck that, lets just go on" the majority speaks
We pull into Florence and find some good eats: thai food. Traveling 2 vegetarians and 2 vegans (and one vegan dog) makes dining out a little challenging. While everyone is eating inside I fix the flat. We eat like rabid animals. I shovel delicious hot food into my mouth as fast as possible. we are loosing light rapidly, and need to find some sleeping arrangments.
On my way to the bathroom I can't stop myself from lifting a bottle of wine. This seems absurd because the returant did a good job feeding us. I feel a pang of guilt and relaise a bottle in a resturnat is 3 times as expensive as it is in the store. Meh.
Just across why 101 there is a church with a big empty lot. Perfect. I crisen our new location "Dignity Village, Florence." Maybe someone will write up a fax indymedia article about it.
After chilling there for awhile robin and I dicide twe mush investigate the local night scene. Our tour de Florece dumpsters starts with the bouty of Grocery Outlet. Is there a better store anywhere? its like shopping and gambling at the same time! The dumpster is no different.
"The center this ice cream is still cold" I tell robin
We get piles of yellow and red peppers and zucinni. I document the liberation of life sustaining discarded food with the camycam. Every time Robin pops up from inside the dumpster he reminds me of the dog from "Duck Hunter" poping with more ducks in hands and a big grin on his face.
The local Bakery dumpster was not as sucessful. lots of wrappers and trash from the Dairy Queen. We find the bike shop and check their supplies. Nothing. But the JC Penny next door though out a blue duffle bag.
"want this?" "no, but well find some use for it."
Poppa John's is also empty. Man after the first find we were expecting like the lord's bounty at every stop.
Eventually we are downtown and decide we have earned a beer. We drink some Rogue Dead Guy, and it tastes like it was brewed just 60 miles north.
Then the rain. And the rain. and the rain. We are awe struck. We think this has got to pass. Then we realize its not gonna pass and all of RObin's things are still laying out on the empty lot.
We make tracks. Coming out of old town a car pulls up from our right at the 4-way stop. Of course its a cop. Robin is already though, but I decide to half stop, I dont feel like trying to produce ID in this torrental downfall.
The cop follows us for a few more blocks. Im not sure if he wanted to ticket us or just find out what we were thinking biking around in a monsoon. Eventually he passes us, as we drudge our ways up hwy 101 back to the church. the bike lane is a river. seveal inces deep with water coming off the road.
"We shoudda gone to Church" Woke up next to a dog and a Robin. Rain falls then stops long enough for us to believe it's over. It's not.
We happened to camp a block away from a Curve's fitness/laundromat. We spend the morning drying the cloths and recharging devices. We own this mutha friggin Curves! No one freeked out about their being a dog inside and Kansas behaves very well with radom folk coming in to wash their stuff.
We are so wet. It feels good to put on dry socks, even if they are gonna be wet in 20 min. I have developed some conjectivitus, aka pink eye. Ugh I had hoped that it was just irration from stress and forgetting to take out my contacts and not sleeping the night before i left. Then it my left eye was just red without any junk. Now its red in my right eye and its worse. Plus im fatigued. Sprinting and staying up late and getting wet and not too warm was all not helpful.
Eventually we roll out. The bike shop is closed, of course (it is Sunday after all, and most bike shops take sunday off... bicycle jesus anyone?)
We climb out of town and keep on climbing. We take our time jumping under trees when it starts raining hard. Its fairly exciting way to bike. If I could see (cant put my contacts in) I would have more luck seing the cover, but the other bikers are covering for my handicap well.
We investigate some of the Oregon Dunes. An experience I was not particularly interested in. My experience was that they are pretty much an ATV playground and anyone annoyed by 2 stroke enginees should steer clear.
Sure enough, the only way to evern get to the dunes is to walk along the paths where ATVs come screeming along. I cant tell for sure the ages of the riders under the helmet and high tech riding suits, but the pudgy nature of the gut bouncing along with the 4-wheels tells me pre-high school. Max suggests killing them at their larvel stage, for the good of society.
we find another Hobbit hole to chill in. I nap. My body aches, the light hurts my eye. I hate this place. Psudo beach with the occasional internal, infernal, eternal combustion engine not far enough away.
Then more rain. We run out of Hobbit Hole II and make a beeline for the only shelter around, a bathroom.
There we are, 5 bikers and a dog, standing around a toilet, dirnking a bottle of wine, singing blues tunes with harmonica accompinment, to the ever present sound of rain, then hail punding our shack.
After another hour it clears and we make our break.
After climbing for a long time, finnally we roll down, thankfully the road is mostly dry on this side of the hill. Across another bridge (this time we are taking the friggin lane) and into Reedsport. We head straight to the first warm place and it has the best fries I have ever eaten. Our server, Darcy was awesome.
"Well you could all come home with me, but I dont think my husband would like it."
we get advise from a few folks in the closing resturant about where to stay.
symethetic golfer: "There is a gazeebo up the hill past the school"
me: "Uh huh, well keep that in mind, thanks.
Darcy: [quietly] "uh the gazeo is totally open. FYI."
Me: "thanks, I think we have our place. Unless you want to work on your boyfriend.
Darcy: you mean my husband? Yeah, he is a little old fashioned...
Me: if you are needing some fun and excitment I know five wet bikers who are good for the party.
Darcy: maybe I will swing by later.
Me: well be across the street.
Max had scoped out the scene. Reedsport had kindly created a 24 hour tourist information center, the anex to the area that is inside and open from 10 to 4.
Max: "It's warm, it's lit, it's dry, it's abaondoned."
Max: "It's next door to the federal building"
We head over one at a time to avoid suspicion. Inside is a wall of pamphlets. Everyting from The Goonies Reunion Tour (up in Astoria this weekend) to Navy special program promtions. Both are entertaining, and give us the appearance we might be using this space for its intended use. After counting the number of screenings of Goonies in Astoria this weekend (six) and enjoying the summer camp recrutment style of the millitary ("You will learn to deal with shark and jellyfish attacks,") we started our nesting, hanging our clothes from every surface possible, and stuffing our shoes with the local free rag.
The floor is hard but we are warm, and dry and if they come to wake us up... well we are ready for that situation. We ignore them as long as possible. I dont know if this works, but I am willing to try and sleep just the same.
"hey, you guys have gotta clear out" comes the voice from inside the previously locked building.
"uh ok. we're moving" I say. Crap! i have already gone against the game plan. Luckly we are all awake and just waiting for the rain to clear. It does we do and no one is the wiser. Robin is reluctant to get up cause he is worried about his dog Kansas.
"She is getting a lot of rain and no cover."
The Burly Nomad trailer cover goes over Kansas. It does keep a fair ammount of rain off, but mostly it just make her look cute. Refilling our watter bottle at a gas station/gernaral store/deli the owner gives me a wierd feeling. He is social, but kinda curt/snappish about fillilng out bottles. A little east coast style maybe? I detect no accent. He said the health inspector comes around often and if I was caught inside the kitchen it would = big fine.
We clear out and make our way to Coosbay. The drivers were mostly all very generous with space (I think having a dog in a trailer usually helps). We stop at a Shopping mall with a helth store and bike shop. Both are great. At the bike store i give him one of Arron's "Go By Bicycle" zines. Then i convince him to pay me $10 for a from PDX with Bike Love DVD. I feel bad cause I charged him so much. I should tell Joe Biel to cut him a deal on his first couple copies if he orders any from Microchosm. Well, this is not been a good trip for good deeds. this is a trip of crushing capitalism by squeezing the little guy for every cent.
Did i just write that? Anyway, guilt will soon be passed on as there is a candy factory up the street with free sampels. OMG so many samples. I eat them all. twice. About then the lady behind the counter asks if we need help finding anything.
"I am finding everything, thanks!"
I find the sugar free section and decide to send some to poppa sano, so I end up spending more than i want but its good, and the guy from the back room keeps coming out with more and more candies he just made for us to try. "This one is a pino gris, this is a wisky truffle" Im getting loaded but not drunk. Wasupwiththat? I dont even like sweets. I remove myself before its too late. Then spend an hour decompressing my gut on the ramp outside. Truly a disturbing sight for those about to come inside I am sure. I hope there wasn't too much schmootz on my face.
We head up A big hill off 101 and I shoot some good video with the helmet cam I think. Sun comes out and senic vistas are awesome. Although the clear cuts are kinda disheartening.
We pull into a campside just outside Bandon We find a 3/4 walled gazebo. Thankfully the walls are on the side where the rain is coming from. We eat some dinner then hit the beach. We can actually see the rain coming across the bay and ocean. The hell with hiker/biker camping we are stying dry toinght.
We wake up late and are fined the 20 bucks ugh.
revout Tuesday Bandon
== zoobomb presents: == (yeah it needs a better title)
An open invitation to all bikers who would say their experience to date has been "ok" or "fine". With your help we will change that to "ohmyfukngawd"
in the manner of our forebearers so shall all ye tallbike gangs, chopper clubs, pimpin riders and minibike grinders come forth. A series of entertaining, albeit potentially dangerous events await you.
more details will be added as the event draws near
new event: 3 wheeled race. teams of three will transport themselves and their bikes to yonder beer store and return. one bike will not be operable.
we are zoobomb. we dont settle for "kinda fun"... WE WANT IT EPIC
PDX bike tour riders
- Max 202.351.8385 - Adam 503.737.4773 - robin firstname.lastname@example.org - ??? - dan 480.330.9168 email@example.com - dave 503.282.5193 (home) - brian 503.313.6743 (cell) - peaches
people to contact that will help
- alec, aka bic yclist <firstname.lastname@example.org> sudden death movement league - Luigi, Johnny-realness <email@example.com> beach BBQ, choper - David Benoff <firstname.lastname@example.org> housing - matt <email@example.com> housing - Camryn Bustamante <firstname.lastname@example.org> flophouse punk castle - email@example.com welding bicycle kitchen - firstname.lastname@example.org - Andrea C email@example.com - sterling Young Jedi <firstname.lastname@example.org> dumpster dive
SF Demarco One Post NY Daniel Ceeb email@example.com 9176936413
- beer sponsor - food sponsor - pa system/megaphone - court/playground/parking lot - welding supplies - fireworks - escape plan - places to crash
contact list while down south
bicycle kitchen copacabras 33 1/3 books in echo park in LA flor y canto in north la on figueroa
- Clarence Eckerson Jr. <firstname.lastname@example.org> 718-875-8165
Do You Copy? DVD Booklet
Aggro the self centered obsessive being from another planet
OCCUPATION: Ruler and IntenseMuthaFucker of Aggro, my place
OCCUPATIONAL BACKGROUND: Community Council member of a larger, more popular place in space that should be thrilled i am even return their calls much less share pastries with them.
EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND: I study enough
PRIOR GOVERNMENTAL EXPERIENCE: I study enough
If you continue to be my fearful insect-like underlings I guarentee another open and fair election next cycle.
ME FIRST I'm not interested in you. Unless you are doing somethin for me. If you are doing sumthin for me, you had better well do it. Smile or not I get what I want or you get the 3 stooges. My henchfolk make quick work of just about anybody. I mean anybody but me. That's cause they got themselves an education, at Smith and Henchen. The hell with Brussels and Austria and any other EU. In fact the hell with U too.
YOU LATER you are not me. Did I not make this clear earlier. Perhaps it bears repeating.
Aggro Means Jobs I hire you and you work for me or else. Simple. Effective. Deal.
Aggro Means Better Times Ever hung out doing drugs off the thigh of a Norwiegan midget stripper? The better time I have the better time I have, which is good for you. Watch me "trinkle down".
Aggro Means Education See how much you have leared already? You want future generations to have the same opportunities that I have just presented you with.
Some may call me stupid. I just say "Oh yeah?"
that pretty much ends most arguments right there.
OCCUPATION: Kitty Cocktail Commendant, Mutanier
OCCUPATIONAL BACKGROUND: Service industry worker, Director: failed coup d'etat
EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND: I have the internet
PRIOR GOVERNMENTAL EXPERIENCE: Sanatational Public Service
See this glowing report of my past, presented by Oso Martin: "The server robot was originally programmed to dispose of city garbage but after a few hours of mindless labor lost his circuits and stowed away on a space ship where it masqueraded as a server robot. The crew caught wind of the robot have more of a personality that most and were always a little annoyed by it's cajoling but still found it amusing enough to keep around - particularly for use in major motion pictures."
Vote 1 for 00. That's binary for yes for me. duh.
Roy rodgers fan Mr Biff
OCCUPATION: singer entertainer
occupational background: Pacific Princess Karaokee Engenieer, MOtovational Speaker
EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND: Berkeley College of Muzak, Drama Club Tresurer Centrerville High School 1989
PRIOR GOVERNMENTAL EXPERIENCE: OLCC volunteer 2001-2001
I am roy. Mr. Rodgers to you. for the past 10 years, while biding my time with devils and gouls i have biddded my time to wait for the oportunity to move the people to understand the realisim of the pain we have suffered. we are on the county apocylopase. the date when western and country will battle it
A truer expression than lying eyes: The Papercutting Hands OCCUPATION
PRIOR GOVERNMENTAL EXPERIENCE:
You're saying already, who could vote for someone whose face has never been seen? But parents everywhere know already: lies and tears come from faces, expensive food and dental work goes into faces. Parents support The Papercutter Hands because they know: hands change the diapers of the world. Hands prepare the world's food (once properly washed). Hands do chores. Hands administer reward and punishment. Hands move fast and surely.
What have those pretty heads in government brought us? Labyrinthine laws and codes, televised debates, high taxes and high unemployment. Thomas Jefferson knew that the true hope for democracy was the honest farmer, working and building the nation with his HANDS! Thomas Jefferson is voting for The Papercutter Hands, never mind that he's dead. Walt Whitman is too. That was a man who dug hands. Hands: they're America!
And today, in an era of Internet-based prying and peeking, how can you trust a head, with its OBVIOUS eyes and ears, to protect your privacy? The Papercutting Hands have the full support of the National Association for Information Destruction, the Tri-County Paranoiacs Anonymous, and several "influential business organizations" that have asked to remain unnamed. The Papercutting Hands are the candidate of choice for everyone with something to hide. Yes, you.
Jane Doe, ETCEA agent #42 OCCUPATION: Agent and recruiter for ETCEA
OCCUPATIONAL BACKGROUND: Unknown
EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND: Unknown
PRIOR GOVERNMENTAL EXPERIENCE: Voter, ETCEA agent
We at ETCEA (the ExtraTerrestrial CounterEspionage Association) believe in protecting residents of our planet from alien eyes. Space invaders are dropping from the skies and the threat of critters examining our every move is increasing every moment as our governments prepare for star wars.
Onemust understand that not all EBEs (Extraterrestrial Biological Entities or aliens) are as mild-mannered as Mork, Alf, ET or the little prince. They are everywhere and could even manage to pose as your uncle. Anywhere and everywhere, everyone must prepare for close encounters of the third kind.
We don't have time for wild zeros battling random space ghosts. Mars may very well attack at any moment. The war of the worlds is upon us and we need your help.
Join the ExtraTerrestrial CounterEspionage Association in our acts of removing alien intelligence from our planet. We need more navigators and Buckaroo Banzais. We need you.
OCCUPATION: grad student
PRIOR GOVERNMENTAL EXPERIENCE: none
I am an intense college student, that very likely makes me smarter and when not considering my looming debt, more wealthy than you, the reader of these words. Thus I clearly fit every ideal you have ever voted for.
Make no mistake, with my advanced understanding in hydroelectric trasatory terrorist state theory, i am able to frighten you of the outcome were I not to win. I can also be made available for dinner parties. "So many intelligent people are at your party!" your guests will say. But really they will only be referring to me. The smart guy.
Helmut The Henchman
OCCUPATIONAL BACKGROUND: I have killed everyone I have ever met.
EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND: Teachers, professors -- they are all dead now.
PRIOR GOVERNMENTAL EXPERIENCE: Organized tri-county killing spree and bake sale.
A VOTE FOR HELMUT IS A VOTE FOR MURDER!
Hello little humanoids! You are so soft, so defenseless, charming almost. And yet, I will kill you. But wait! What is this 'election' you are talking about? You wish me to become your 'leader'? Do you know what you are asking? I will lead you to PAIN! I will lead you to ANGUISH! I WILL LEAD YOU DIRECTLY INTO THE SNAPPING JAWS OF AN IMMENSE WHIRLING DEATH MACHINE, COVERED WITH KNIVES AND HAMMERS AND VIOLENT HURTING APPARATUSES! HA!
On the other hand, if you don't vote for me, I will kill you right now. So remember:
A VOTE FOR HELMUT IS A VOTE FOR REMAINING ALIVE, AT LEAST BRIEFLY.
This little 'elections minister' person will not be bothering us during our conversations any longer. Before I dispatched him to a more dead place, he asked me to 'outline my position'. But now it is the POLICE who will outline HIS position -- ON THE GROUND! WITH CHALK! Because it is a CRIME SCENE! Because I KILLED him, yes! But here is a smattering of my violent agenda, so that you may be cowering:
CORPORAL PUNISHMENT: I am for it. ABORTION: For it. RISING CRIME: For. TERRORISM: This also I support. ECONOMICS: Boring! Far better it is to kill. PRAYER IN SCHOOLS: When I come with my gun prayer will not help you, but please, go ahead and pray. CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM: I will CRUSH with mighty PLIERS of PAIN the heads of those who would do whatever this is about. Yes, I will "re-form" their SKULLS ... into the shape of FLAT! And BLEEDING!
So, knowing what you now know, do you regret your fooling decision to oppose me, or your foolish decision to support me? It makes no difference. You are still a fool, and I will kill you eventually. Until that time,
VOTE HELMUT! VOTE HELMUT! VOTE NOW OR I KILL YOU!
Hench Hencherton OCCUPATION: Temporary Henchman, Hench Online Services
OCCUPATIONAL BACKGROUND: Henching
EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND: ITT Hench Correspondence School, Henching Certificate ; Belgium School of International Henching in Brussels
PRIOR GOVERNMENTAL EXPERIENCE: None
Voluntary Activities: Member of the Sunnyside Neighborhood Boosters, Volunteer at the Orphaned Childrens Kittens and Bunnies Petting Zoo, Member of Miles of Smiles Interpretive Dance Group at Bristol Community Center, Volunteer Teacher at Balloon Animal Construction at Local Schools
I have been enthused and happy to be a member of this great state, and I am very impressed with the fine job my colleagues in the State Capital have been doing. Other people have ran under platforms of "getting the bums out!" Frankly, I think that is a very negative attitude! There is no way that you can get work done with such a disrespectful attitude towards your co-workers. If I am elected, I promise that I will work with all my fine colleagues, in the spirit of henching: which is the spirit of working together, and getting along! The spirit of henching is the spirit of giving 110%, getting the job done, and doing it with a smile! That is what I promise to do in the legislature! I also promise to work for legislation marking a "Bunny Day", where everyone gets to spend the day petting the cute, fuzzy animal of his or her choice!
OCCUPATION: Manager (in training), night shift, Aurora 7-11
OCCUPATIONAL BACKGROUND: 6 years, Plaid Pantry (various locations, metro Portland) 2 years, Jake's Shooting Range and Go-Kart Center, Duburk, Iowa
EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND: 1997 Stansfield Township Vocational Tech Center 1996 GED
PRIOR GOVERNMENTAL EXPERIENCE: 8 months, Greater Umberton (Iowa) Correctional Facility
It was around the time I quit (or got fired, depending on who you believe) working the graveyard shift at Plaid Pantry that I became aware of the TRORB. I was spending a lot of time in the alley behind CopyMaker, digging through their dumpster, looking for Social Security Numbers, credit card info, and what have you. Every now and then, there would be weird flashes of light and strange sounds coming from inside, and eventually, curiosity got the best of me.
CopyMaker was a kinda run-down, half-finished place that somehow made a business out of screwing up people's photocopying jobs. I just would kinda hang out in there, chatting with the crew, drinking cough syrup with them, and otherwise wasting their time and mine. They were a bunch of freaks, that's for sure. I don't know how I could get canned from the pimp shift at PP, and these half-wits could keep their fancy nametags. But anyway, as time went on, they just kept getting weirder and kinda more paranoid. In a way that I don't personally believe had anything to do with any of the recreational drugs I sold them.
They kept going on about this one machine, the TRORB something-or-other, and how it was messing with their minds. It got so crazy in there, that I started thinking of maybe just knocking them around a bit to try to beat some sense in them. But I figured it would be a waste of my energy, and besides, I was faking some fairly serious injuries in order to collect worker's comp, so I didn't want to blow that.
Some time in the fall, I think, things really started going south. And I mean in a bad way. Guys at CopyMaker just wouldn't show up for days, and others talked of some disappearing. All of this didn't help my business at all, I should say.
In the end, I am not really sure what happened. There was some kinda government investigation, or the Better Business Bureau shut them down, or maybe it was terrorists or something -- hell, I don't know. Why should I care about those freaks? Anyway, I am in Canby now, and things are pretty cool. I met this chick at NA who thinks she might be able to get me a job at the Aurora 7-11
PRIOR GOVERNMENTAL EXPERIENCE:
I do a lot of things around town.
Rats in California will be the recipients of the world's first brain prosthesis. I will monitor their progress and use their The brain prosthesis will be used to emulate the function of the hippocampus, the part of the brain which encodes experiences into long-term memories.
Copy Maker Employees
stewart - Kevin Turner Jason - Mykle Hansen Peter Mathews - Mathew Harris Zoe - Lisa Loewenthal
Peney - Anne Adams Stewert's Bicycle - Whitey The Bicycle Penelope's Car - The Beast
Copy Maker Customers